ABC 1: How Therapy Changed My Life and Why I'm Starting the "ABCs for Growth" Newsletter & Community
Empathy is learnable, listening is teachable, and leadership is a skill. My story of starting therapy and how it transformed me for the better.
Hey, I’m Robert - forever learner, dog dad, growth nerd, and inclusive product leader. Welcome to a free edition of my newsletter. I am a very curious person by nature, and consider myself a student of life. I'm obsessed with self-improvement. Every week, I share 1 piece of advice 📖, 1 breakthrough recommendation 🚀, and 1 challenge 💥 on topics close to my heart focused on personal growth, relationships, and careers. My words are meant for go-getters who want to become the best versions of themselves as much as I do. 🧑🎓 Subscribe today to get each and every issue.
In November 2017, I checked into therapy because my anger issues were destroying my relationships and my happiness.
No, it was worse than that—I actually hated myself if I'm being honest.
My name is ROBERT TA, and I used to be very skeptical of therapy.
How could talking about my feelings in a quiet room with another person change anything?
How could a problem as big as self-hatred be solved like that?
I believed in action over discussion.
Spending time worrying about how I felt seemed like a wasted opportunity.
I used to think my time was better spent on surviving and giving myself and my family a better quality of life.
But I was wrong. Therapy changed my life.
I never wanted to be like my father, but I found myself becoming him.
Rewinding back to 2014, I had put myself through college, fully knowing what hunger and financial pressures felt like.
I graduated with a degree in Chemical Engineering, and pivoted into a career in Technology despite not having the prerequisite education.
I never thought I was very smart. I just worked insanely hard. The only real skills I believed I had were working hard and the deep motivation to improve myself.
In 2017, early in my career, I was moving up quickly.
As much as I accomplished, I couldn’t prevent imposter syndrome from setting in fast.
Stress and pressure leaked into anger, deteriorating my love life and relationships.
I always wanted to be the best partner and find true love in a fulfilling life.
I never wanted to be like my father, but I found myself becoming him.
That's why I checked into therapy.
I took my ability to work hard and applied it rigorously to therapy, realizing it was the key to solving the barriers I placed against myself.
My first therapy session
In my very first therapy session, I handled it like a work meeting—ruthlessly efficient, focused on action and problem-solving.
I had an agenda for what topics I wanted to cover, the problems I wanted to figure out about myself, and how many minutes I wanted to spend on each one.
I brought a lot of bias and doubt about whether this would actually work.
I went straight into solution mode, seeking practical and actionable steps to solve my weaknesses.
The first problem I wanted to tackle was my poor listening skills.
When someone brought me their problems, I had a hard time being present. Instead of listening, my mind would be elsewhere, judging and trying to solve their problem.
My inner critic was loud and unforgiving, making it hard to be present. Looking back, I'm thankful I had this level of self-awareness and desire to improve.
I asked my therapist how to solve this weakness.
I wanted to be a good listener.
I wanted to be a good partner
I wanted to be a good friend.
She asked me about my childhood, and I thought, "Here we go," skepticism kicking in.
We started talking, and she asked, "When you were a kid, did anyone judge you when you brought them a problem?"
I said, "Of course, my dad did this all the time. Nothing I ever did was good enough."
After discussing this for some time, I grew impatient and asked how this related to my current problem of wanting to be a better listener.
She asked, "How did you feel when your dad judged you?"
I had to think about it. Eventually, I told her I felt terrible and sad, never good enough.
Then she asked, "Do you think your friends or loved ones want to feel that way when they bring you their problems?"
My jaw hit the floor - this question changed my life.
I realized I was passing on the pain I received. This self-awareness was a tool.
The next time a similar situation occurred, I asked myself if I wanted to be like my dad or if I wanted to be me.
I chose to be me.
This emotional understanding was strong enough to eliminate my issue.
From then on, I became a better listener.
My anger was ruining my relationships with others and myself.
Therapy revealed deep-rooted insecurities from generational trauma and lived abuse.
Now, I have these fancy words for the pain I kept inside.
Now, I know about tools like the feelings wheel to help me understand my emotions.
Back then, I just had a lot of anger.
Anger that was piled up like steam in a pressure cooker, never released for decades - a symptom of suppressed emotions.
I learned that trauma gets trapped in the body and leads to self-sabotage.
It can lead you to push away those who love you and never believe you're worthy of love, not even from yourself.
It can put a ceiling on your career.
For men like me, taught to suppress their feelings to always appear "strong", feelings generally morph into anger.
My anger was ruining my relationships with others and myself.
This manifested in me being a perfectionist, never satisfied with anything I did or who I was, no matter the accomplishments.
I was never satisfied with those close to me either, driving my loved ones crazy with my perfectionist tendencies.
I never liked who I was. And I learned why. Now I do.
Years of therapy taught me to understand and address my emotions, allowing me to build healthier relationships and find self-love.
This self-awareness removed barriers in my personal and professional life.
The voice of my inner critic, once loud, became more silent every day.
Imposter syndrome wasn’t so menacing and constant.
In my professional life, my career evolved rapidly.
Five years after graduating with a degree in Chemical Engineering…
I had helped to launch a revenue-generating software product from the ground up.
I had a patent for a technology invention - a life dream of mine.
I was leading Product Architecture at a big software company.
I had raised the best dog ever (get at me).
Looking back I see that what paralleled my rapid career success was the ability to influence and lead without direct authority.
And my ability to succeed here was a direct function of the skills I learned from those quiet sessions with my therapist: unraveling who I was, what my weaknesses were, why I ticked the way I did, and who I wanted to be.
With a deep hunger to grow myself, I turned my weakness into a strength.
Leading without direct authority became one of my greatest strengths - and I now realize it was no happy accident.
Shoutout to the mentors and sponsors who saw something in me and gave me opportunities to build this skill with your guidance, insights, and advice throughout the years. I am very grateful.
Shoutout to my therapist, who has done more for me than I can ever repay.
All I can do is pay it forward.
Paying it Forward: The ABCs for Growth
I am creating the ABCs for Growth Newsletter to share my journey and help others who might be feeling the same way I once did.
I don't know everything and I'm not perfect - growth is a lifelong journey, and I'm interested in learning together as a community, from many different people.
I want to create an intentional space for people to come together with different backgrounds and lived experiences to share their own perspectives on growth.
I would love this to grow into a nurturing community of like-minded individuals who want to participate in sharing knowledge, resources, tools, and views that can help one another to grow and be our best selves.
Empathy is learnable.
Listening is teachable.
Leadership is a skill you can build from these foundations.
Each week from now on, you'll receive 1 ABC (Advice, Breakthrough, and Challenge) on Growth
Advice of the Week: Simple life lessons and stories with actionable steps to improve your professional and personal life.
Breakthrough of the Week: Discover powerful books, resources, quotes, and tools to grow your perspective, and why I think they'll be helpful to you.
Challenge of the Week: Simple, small challenges you can undertake alongside a community to nurture your growth.
Imagine feeling more confident, happier, having stronger relationships and connections, and accelerating your career — all while constantly learning new things.
All it takes is a bit of effort.
Let's get after it.
Thanks for reading!
Did this resonate or help you? Subscribe for more actionable insights and wisdom direct to your inbox every Thursday - it would mean a lot to me!
Each week from now, I will share 1 piece of advice, 1 breakthrough, and 1 challenge for people interested in growth at the intersection of some of my life experiences and learnings.
Share your thoughts in the comments! I would love to hear and learn from you! I read every single comment.
P.S. Want short reminders and wisdom on growth, empathy, and leadership? Follow me on LinkedIn (ROBERT TA).