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Circa 2018
I sat across from a senior executive, my laptop open, nodding along as she talked through a āquickā side project.
āQuickā was starting to sound like āmassiveā.
It wasnāt quick.
It wasnāt small.
It wasnāt even aligned with my goals.
And yetāevery part of me wanted to say yes.
Why?
Because I wanted to be helpful.
When I look back at that younger version of myself, I also realized it was because:
I didnāt want her to think I was lazy,
Or unhelpful,
Or difficultā
So I said yes.
And the second I did, I felt itāa tiny knot in my chest.
That familiar churn of resentment Iād later try to mask with late-night work and fake enthusiasm.
I would do this many times to myself earlier in my career. Saying āyesā to everything.
1,000ās of yeses.
Death by 1,000 yeses.
My health felt it.
My relationships felt it.
My priorities felt it.
Looking back, āhelpingā here, reduced my ability to āhelpā elsewhere.
My priorities were everywhere, so they were nowhere.
I was overcommitting.
Months later I reflected and realized I should have said ānoā.
That taught me something powerful:
I learned that saying āyesā all the time isnāt generosity.
Itās self-destruction disguised as politeness.
Letās get into the art of saying ānoā.
š¤ This Weekās ABC
Advice: 5 Tactics for Easy Noās.
Breakthrough: How Steve Jobs focused.
Challenge: One small action to protect your priorities.
š Advice: 5 Tactics for Easy Noās
āThe difference between successful people and really successful people is that really successful people say no to almost everything.ā
āWarren Buffett
Most high performers Iāve worked with say āyesā to everything.
New initiative ā āyesā
New project ā āyesā
New idea ā āyesā
Early in my career, I was the same way.
What I didnāt realize wasā¦
āYesā to the new initiative ā ānoā to my health
āYesā to the new project ā ānoā to my relationships
āYesā to the new idea ā ānoā to my priorities
When everything is a priority, nothing is a priority.
For leadersāespecially in tech, product, and engineeringāthis moment happens every day.
And itās costing you. You donāt see it in the moment.
Itās death by 1,000 yeses.
Every āyesā you give without intention is a withdrawal from your limited attention, energy, and time.
They add up.
Say yes too often, and you wake up in a life that belongs to everyone but you.
Why Saying No Feels So Damn Hard
Letās begin here.
Youāre not weak.
Youāre not broken.
Youāve simply been wired and trainedāby upbringing, by culture, by corporate pressure, by everything else besides who you really areāto believe that saying no equals letting someone down.
But what if the opposite is true?
What if saying yes to everything is the very thing eroding your leadership credibility?
Hereās why ānoā feels difficult:
Fear of judgment: You worry theyāll think youāre lazy, unhelpful, or arrogant.
Desire to belong: You donāt want to lose status or favor.
Avoidance of conflict: Saying no might lead to discomfort, and weāre wired to avoid tension.
Habit: Youāve been praised for being reliable and accommodating. The yes reflex is ingrained.
Sound familiar?
To move forward, we need to disarm these internal saboteurs.
Letās talk strategy.
Tactical Frameworks to Say No
Here are 5 tactics Iāve learned to say ānoā, that I wish I knew 10 years ago starting my career.
1. The Empathic No
My go-to strategy.
Saying ānoā gracefully and empathically is a great skill to learn.
You:
Validate the intent: Acknowledge the value of the request.
Clarify your current priorities: Show them whatās already on your plate.
Offer an alternative: Provide a redirect or delay, if appropriate.
Example:
āI really appreciate you thinking of me. Right now, Iām focused on [priority], and I wouldnāt be able to give this the attention it deserves. Iād recommend [another person] or Iād be happy to revisit this in [X time].ā
Validating the other party shows them empathy.
Clarifying your current priorities, provides them space to give you empathy.
Offering an alternative, makes it graceful.
This protects your time while maintaining respect and collaboration.
2. The Non-Negotiable Filter
This oneās simple but powerful.
Tactic: Before saying yes to anything, ask yourself:
āDoes this align with the version of me Iām building?ā
āDoes this take me closer to my priorities?ā
If it doesnāt move you toward your personal or professional North Starāitās a no.
Write your ānon-negotiablesā down.
Review them weekly.
Let them be your compass.
3. Play Offense With Defense
High performers often get bombarded with requests because⦠well, youāre a higher performer.
Youāre competent.
Take that as a compliment.
But donāt let your ego suffocate you with yeses either.
You need to set boundariesāand Iāve learned being proactive and playing defense as if youāre playing offense, is key.
Proactive communication can prevent future overload.
Tactic: Tell people in advance what youāre focused on.
Examples:
āThis quarter, Iām heads-down on [X], so I wonāt be able to take on new side projects.ā
āIāve committed to deep work time in the morningsāfeel free to book time in the afternoons.ā
āI donāt have time for this meeting right now but Iām happy to talk this through asynchronously.ā
This makes your noās feel like part of a strategyānot a personal rejection.
4. The āHell Yesā Test
Borrowed from Derek Sivers, this rule is blunt and effective:
āIf itās not a hell yesāitās a no.ā
This filter protects you from the death by a thousand yeses or maybes.
There are so many juicy, tantalizing ideas and opportunities when youāre a high performer.
You donāt need more opportunities.
You need better boundaries.
Ask yourself⦠āIs this a hell yes?ā
Proceed accordingly.
5. Delay The Decision
Sometimes, the hardest part of saying no is the heat of the moment. You feel put on the spot.
Tactic: Create space. Protect yourself⦠from yourself.
Say something like:
āLet me check my bandwidth and get back to you by tomorrow.ā
This allows you to evaluate the ask against your prioritiesānot against your people-pleasing reflex.
What Happens When You Say No More Often?
You gain leverage.
You gain time.
You gain respect.
Hereās what saying no consistently signals:
You have a clear vision.
You respect your own boundaries.
Youāre not afraid of short-term discomfort for long-term impact.
And hereās the kicker: the world doesnāt fall apart when you say no.
Seriously.
It doesnāt.
Say no.
What If You Still Feel Guilty?
You will.
Especially at first.
I did.
I have learned that guilt is not a reliable indicator of doing the wrong thing.
Especially if you grew up trained to be a people pleaser.
Treat it like a signal that youāre building a new boundary muscle.
Hereās a reframe:
Every time you say no to something misaligned, youāre saying yes to your mission, your health, your focus.
Youāre saying yes to you, and youāre saying yes to what matters.
And thatās not guilt.
Thatās growth.
š Breakthrough: Focus is Saying NoāSteve Jobs
āFocusing is hard because it doesn't mean saying yes, it means saying no. We decide not to do a lot of things, focus on a handful of things and do them well.ā
āSteve Jobs
You donāt have to take it from me.
Take it from Steve Jobs.
I revisit this clip every once in a while, and it shows me that the best of the best are ruthless with their priorities.
Saying no is hard, but thatās what it takes to deliver the best output at the highest levels.
Final Thought: What Youāre Really Saying No To
When you say noā¦
Youāre not just saying no to a task, a project, or a meeting.
Youāre saying no to:
Burnout
Misalignment
Resentment
The slow erosion of your purpose
And youāre saying yes to:
Clarity
Vision
Focus
Impact
You donāt need to be harsh.
You donāt need to over-explain either.
You just need to be clear, kind, and firm.
š„ Challenge: 1 Minute ChallengeāSay No
Write down your priorities and non-negotiables.
Doesnāt have to be fancy. Bullets work.
Look at your calendar.
Decline or defer an invite to something that does not matter against your priorities and non-negotiables.
Your future self will thank you.
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P.S. If you havenāt already checked out my other newsletter, ABCs for Building The Future, where I reflect on my founderās journey building a venture in the open. Check out my learnings on product, leadership, entrepreneurship, and moreāin real time!
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